Friday, August 26, 2011

Penis Envy

When I find myself single and dateless, I seem to have a fascination with the book "Sextrology" by Starksy & Cox. This is not only to remind myself of how awesome I am (it is wonderful for ego boosts) but also to read about all the fun sex the rest of the world is into to keep me from becoming jaded and hopeless. Gemini men enjoy giving head? Well, head this way! Aries like rough-housing? Bring it on! Sagittarius likes hunting/capture games? Come and get it!!! Scorpio likes water sports? ....eh... let me have a few shots and we'll talk.

This book goes into EXTREME detail not only within the individual signs, but also for both genders and straight/gay traits and desires. No career, homelife, or financial astrological projections here. It only describes the things we really are looking for when we look to astrology: sex and love. If you aren't looking to read a lot, there are short little side panels with the juiciest of the meat, such as the turn-ons (both gay and straight). For the most part, these tend to be dead on with a few exceptions for everyone I read them to. I find that most straight men tend to disagree with the lists, most likely due to never being sexually open and honest with themselves let alone a partner. Look, Taurus, I don't think you're gay because you like to wear panties. And, Pisces, loving prostitutes and feet really isn't that taboo anymore. Hell, it says I am into face-sitting (see my story "Let's Start Off With A Bang!" for an example) and have extreme penis envy, which got me thinking...

Sure, I have penis envy. Not only do I find male genitalia fascinating but, yes, I tend to be aggressive like a man in the bedroom. I know what I want and I thoroughly enjoy bringing pleasure to my partner. In all areas of my life I am a leader and a doer. So why wouldn't I wish to be in the lead in the bedroom? I want to be the fucker, not the fucked. 

This got me to thinking about what it must be like to be a straight man. I have often been told that I am "very giving", "passionate", "sexually open", and "fun to fuck" when I feel like we're having pretty normal sex. What are other women doing, or rather NOT doing???? Are they too consumed in their own insecurities and vanity to stop thinking about what they look like and just do what feels good? Is it the classic virgin/whore complex ("if I suck his balls and tickle his asshole, he'll wonder who else I've done it to")? 

On top of most women not being "fun to fuck", men have to deal with the fakers. Ladies, when you fake - orgasm or just general pleasure - you are doing all of us a great disservice. You are teaching your partner bad habits that he will most likely try to use on the rest of us. Most importantly, you are cementing yourself into a bad time!! If you are making "oooh ahh" sounds, he will keep doing whatever he's doing!! Stop it!!!

Now I know men judge women on their bodies, even down to nipple size/color, labia attractiveness, and ass shape (none of which can really be helped). But none of these components hinder actual physical pleasure. Women, however, judge the penis. And harshly. And, again, this can't really be helped. He's got what he's got. He didn't pick it, and there aren't exercises out there to improve it. I promise, if cock pushups existed, all men would be hung like a bottle of Smart Water. Not to say that is a great size. In fact, some of the worst sex I've had have been with pretty boys with too much meat. They never have to try!! They get pussy thrown at them like rocks at a biblical whore. 

Regardless of size, all men have to deal with trying to give pleasure to women who (on average) tend to fake pleasure, refrain from giving pointers, and basically just lay there and take it. And do we give our sex score cards to the men afterwards? Of course not!! Our honest opinions of your performance go to our girlfriends the next day as well all create degrading nicknames for you based on your most humorous errors and faults. No wonder so many men have problems with impotence! I'd be scared dickless too.

So, ladies, as much as I enjoy hearing how amazing I am in bed, I am getting older and less patient. I am tired of teaching all of your exes the right way to fingerbang, give head, and fuck. Please be honest and have the sex you want; if not for you or him, please do it for me. 

6 comments:

  1. Turn ons for Cancer-Woman-Straight:
    -tall men
    -Nordic types, blondes
    -businessmen, collegiates
    -jocks, bodybuilders
    -smooth torsos
    -nudism
    -lite s&m
    -slaving
    -double dildos, strapping on
    -father figures
    -couples, swinging
    -anal sex
    -receiving b&d
    -sex clubs, hedonism
    -swapping (as in partner swapping)
    -polyamory
    -swallowing
    -intense nipple play
    -downers, Qualudes (pretty sure these don't exist anymore)
    -firemen, cops, deliverymen
    -water sports
    -submission fantasies
    -prostitute fantasies
    -dungeons, whips, chains

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  2. That sounds about right. I'm pretty sure each of these has been in a search bar or two. The only one that sticks out is the chest hair. No hair is great, but a man with awesome manly chest hair is tops. Game over.
    Side note: When are you going to start a Sex Book Club? Lemmie Lickett's Lusty Literature.

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  3. I totally agree with you on the hair. In fact, some of my listed Aries turn ons are swarthy looks, body hair, and lumberjacks.

    As far as the erotica goes, the stuff I'm into rarely exists. I tried reading those Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty books but couldn't relate. I'll happily take suggestions though!

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  4. I love Sextrology. It's actually helped me understand my Taurus wife's bedroom traits as well as my own Gemini male traits. I thought I was a pervert until I read this; it was my birthday the whole time. That book even knows how big my dick is!

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