Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Have You Had My Cookies?

Fuck buddies are the best. You get all the best parts of a relationship (frequent sex) without the drama ("why don't you like my friends?" "why didn't you pick up when I called?" "we don't spend enough time together") and still get to keep your freedom (to date other people). In order to keep things drama-free, I have 3 rules that all fuck buddies must follow to guarantee a successful "buddy system":

1. Don't ask, don't tell: our personal lives remain to ourselves. No asking about who else you're dating/fucking/pursuing and no sharing of your own life.
2. Wrap it up: condoms are to be used EVERY time and are also required when fucking anyone else. For instance, if you bring a disease into my life because some drunk sorority girl let you fuck her anally without a condom 2 weeks ago, you are bringing drama into my life (which goes against the whole point of the buddy system).
3. Calling it quits: we both reserve the right to leave the buddy system at any point without explanation. No breakup talks, "what can I do to make it better?", "is it someone else?", etc. Ignoring texts or phone calls is not allowed but a simple "I think I need to move on" or "I need a break for awhile" is totally acceptable and is THE END of the discussion.

I've found that the best fuck buddies are ones that you wouldn't want to pursue emotionally. Sure you may have some things in common, but in general, it's a purely sexual attraction between the 2 of you. "Friends with benefits" is a disaster waiting to happen. If you are truly friends and have plenty in common, enjoy each other's company, and trust each other, adding sex means you've got the recipe for a great relationship. I mean, the only difference between your best friend and your significant other is that you fuck your significant other. And I, unfortunately, had to learn this the hard way...

I had a friend that I hung out with pretty often (about once a week for awhile). We'd known each other for years, been supportive of each other, but always just friends. And then one day he pounced. To this day I'm not sure what switch went on (or off) in his mind, but all of a sudden I found myself naked in his bed within a matter of minutes. We had great sex and kept having great sex for a few weeks. Normally, I can have sex without developing emotions. The problem was he was my friend before, so I already thought the world of him. Add great sex (and the 2nd best head I've ever had in my life) and you've got a guy I want to date. When I asked if we were going to date, he responded with "I can't date you. I know myself, and the whole burlesque thing would drive me crazy." This, of course, broke my little stage-whore heart.

Fast forward to a party being held in his honor. I show up, still being his good friend, and bring my specialty: bacon & chocolate chip cookies. These are special cookies I make for special people. The man of the hour was missing for a good while at first, and I didn't bring anyone with me so it was a lot of sitting around and drinking. I noticed some girl kept sort of staring at me but, let's face it, I'm sort of used to that. Later in the night, I finally get to say hi to my friend and give him my little treats.

"Are these what I think they are?" he asks.
"Yep. Bacon chocolate chip cookies," I smile.
"Thanks. These are going to be great for us on the road tomorrow. Oh, have you met [girl who had been staring at me all night]?"
~and then it starts to hit me~
"Yeah, we went to Trader Joe's earlier to load up on road snacks-"
~we??? oh my god...~
"-and these are going to be awesome while we're driving."
~holy shit, is this his girlfriend????~

I realized that my face was probably in between shock, horror, and embarrassment, so I said "Cool. Enjoy!" and walked away. No wonder this chick was checking me out all night!! Thanks to Facebook, I'm sure she's stalked me a few times and wondered just how "close" her new boyfriend was to me.

The rest of the night was spent with him ignoring me and treating me like I was just an acquaintance while I attempted to drink myself to a I-don't-give-a-shit level. While standing at the bar talking with a friend, I notice that his "road buddy" was standing 2 feet away, alone, and trying to observe me with quick glances. Oh, fuck no. Do NOT look for a break in conversation. Do NOT come over here. I am in no position to play fake with you.

...and then my friend stepped out of the conversation. "Road buddy" turns to me, smiles, and says, "Those cookies were really good!"
"Oh, thanks."
"Yeah, we were at Trader Joe's earlier and I asked him if he'd had any bacon and chocolate stuff yet and he said 'oh, yeah! I know this girl who makes these cookies'. So I guess he'd had your cookies before?"

Now, I am very aware that I am unable to hide what I'm thinking. My face gives away everything at all times. So I tried my hardest to stay composed...

But my sassy eyebrow could not resist lifting when I replied "Oh, yes. He's had my cookies."

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I Blame "Purple Rain"

I recently had a personal epiphany: I am attracted to assholes.

I realize some of you knew this about me already. Some have even expressed this fact to me in the past -not always in the kindest of words- but I finally saw it on my own (which means I actually take stock in it now). I just do not fall for nice guys. Does that mean that I am into "bad boys"? No, no. In fact, I've noticed the contrary to be more true for me: success-driven, egocentric, dickhead leaders of the world. Ari Gold from "Entourage" is like a walking wet dream for me.

So I began to wonder how such a strong, confident, independent woman like myself could constantly be pulled towards the Vince Vaughns of the world. It has been said that a woman is subconsciously attracted to men like her father. The truth is this equation only works if the woman is like her mother. I, myself, am my father's daughter. Therefore, it would make sense to be attracted to men that are like my mother: patient, goofy, warm-hearted, slightly innocent, honest, loyal. In reality, I keep finding myself attracted to men who make me feel like a plaything who is there purely for physical pleasures and entertainment purposes.

And then it hit me: Purple Rain.

My parents had one rule for what we were allowed to watch growing up: we all have to agree to watch it. That means while most of you were watching "The Smurfs", I was watching MTV, "The Tracey Ullman Show", and weird foreign cartoons, such as "Allegro Non Troppo". They simply did not want to waste their free time watching terrible cartoons like The Smurfs and Scooby Doo.
(Yes, those were terrible cartoons. Stop arguing with me - shitty cartoons are not the basis of this blog entry.)

For those of you who have never seen "Purple Rain", it's one of those "let's-see-how-many-hit-songs-we-can-shove-into-a-shitty-plot-line-and-make-a-buck" music movies that were so popular 20-30 years ago (see also "Rhythm Nation" and "Moonwalker" for further examples, both of which I was also raised on). Basically, girl moves to town to become a singer, meets Prince and Morris Day (lead singer of The Time), has to chose between the 2 guys, chooses Prince. During the film, you hear such hits as "When Doves Cry", "I Would Die For You", "Darling Nikki", "The Bird", and (of course) "Purple Rain", just to name a few. To an outsider, it's a movie about making your dreams come true and never giving up while backed by a great soundtrack. Perfect for my mom to put on to distract me while she cleaned and danced to the music. BUT BEWARE.....

I realize now that this movie was actually teaching me to go for the assholes in the world of love. Apollonia comes to town with the hopes of being a star. She meets Prince and Morris Day, both popular musicians at her club of choice. Right off the bat, Morris Day buys her a bottle of the finest champagne and offers her the lead in an all-girl singing group. He's hilarious, charming, dresses WAY better than Prince, and has an entrepreneur's drive. Sure, he may have a few other ladies in his life but he's a catch!! Who wouldn't throw their pussy his way???

Prince, on the other hand, lives with his parents. Yes, ladies, I heard that unanimous groan from here. His father abuses him AND his mother daily, which as we all know will just manifest into Prince's life as well. Prince is constantly missing scheduled gigs, is unwilling to collaborate with the other band members, storms off into hissy fits on a regular basis, records women crying for the purposes of entertainment, and sleeps surrounded by lit candles (um, FIRE HAZARD!!). When he gets his chance with Apollonia, he makes her get naked and "purify" herself in a disgusting lake - and then drives off to leave her there wet, filthy, and humiliated!! When Apollonia buys him a guitar, he gives her his old, crusty earring in return. Last time I checked, Prince, you were the one with the nightly gigs and she was BEGGING you for a chance just to get on the stage. The least you could do is buy the bitch her own earrings. And when Morris Day gives her an opportunity to sing and chase her dreams, how does Prince react? He backhands her.

Does she take the slap to the face as a slap into reality? Does she see that Prince is an abusive, jealous, egocentric dickface who just wants to make her his personal whore? Does she run to Morris Day, apologize for being so blind, and thank him for making all her lifelong dreams come true? Of course not! She instead watches Prince attempt to run over Morris and does nothing. Then chooses to go along with Prince (maybe to talk things out?) where he screams at her and, you guessed it, beats her again.

Fast forward to the end of the movie- she's happy with Prince. Um.... really?? No explanation there? Is "Purple Rain" really such a brilliant song that it makes you forgive a few ass beatings? And, let's not forget, Prince didn't even write it!! According to the plot line of the movie, Wendy and Lisa (of The Revolution) wrote "Purple Rain" and spent weeks trying to convince Prince to even listen to it.

I realize now that this movie was making me fall for the asshole. It was teaching me that men that treat me like shit are the ones worth fighting for. The men that hold me up on a pedestal are silly and should only be used to get ahead. The guys that write songs about having a good time are the losers. The ones that write songs about what a whore you are to them are the real winners!! Fuck you, Prince! "Darling Nikki" is not what I want to inspire in anyone!!

So, to the Morris Days of the world, I will do what Apollonia should have. I can see clearly now. The Purple Rain is gone. Can you ever forgive me?

Friday, August 26, 2011

Penis Envy

When I find myself single and dateless, I seem to have a fascination with the book "Sextrology" by Starksy & Cox. This is not only to remind myself of how awesome I am (it is wonderful for ego boosts) but also to read about all the fun sex the rest of the world is into to keep me from becoming jaded and hopeless. Gemini men enjoy giving head? Well, head this way! Aries like rough-housing? Bring it on! Sagittarius likes hunting/capture games? Come and get it!!! Scorpio likes water sports? ....eh... let me have a few shots and we'll talk.

This book goes into EXTREME detail not only within the individual signs, but also for both genders and straight/gay traits and desires. No career, homelife, or financial astrological projections here. It only describes the things we really are looking for when we look to astrology: sex and love. If you aren't looking to read a lot, there are short little side panels with the juiciest of the meat, such as the turn-ons (both gay and straight). For the most part, these tend to be dead on with a few exceptions for everyone I read them to. I find that most straight men tend to disagree with the lists, most likely due to never being sexually open and honest with themselves let alone a partner. Look, Taurus, I don't think you're gay because you like to wear panties. And, Pisces, loving prostitutes and feet really isn't that taboo anymore. Hell, it says I am into face-sitting (see my story "Let's Start Off With A Bang!" for an example) and have extreme penis envy, which got me thinking...

Sure, I have penis envy. Not only do I find male genitalia fascinating but, yes, I tend to be aggressive like a man in the bedroom. I know what I want and I thoroughly enjoy bringing pleasure to my partner. In all areas of my life I am a leader and a doer. So why wouldn't I wish to be in the lead in the bedroom? I want to be the fucker, not the fucked. 

This got me to thinking about what it must be like to be a straight man. I have often been told that I am "very giving", "passionate", "sexually open", and "fun to fuck" when I feel like we're having pretty normal sex. What are other women doing, or rather NOT doing???? Are they too consumed in their own insecurities and vanity to stop thinking about what they look like and just do what feels good? Is it the classic virgin/whore complex ("if I suck his balls and tickle his asshole, he'll wonder who else I've done it to")? 

On top of most women not being "fun to fuck", men have to deal with the fakers. Ladies, when you fake - orgasm or just general pleasure - you are doing all of us a great disservice. You are teaching your partner bad habits that he will most likely try to use on the rest of us. Most importantly, you are cementing yourself into a bad time!! If you are making "oooh ahh" sounds, he will keep doing whatever he's doing!! Stop it!!!

Now I know men judge women on their bodies, even down to nipple size/color, labia attractiveness, and ass shape (none of which can really be helped). But none of these components hinder actual physical pleasure. Women, however, judge the penis. And harshly. And, again, this can't really be helped. He's got what he's got. He didn't pick it, and there aren't exercises out there to improve it. I promise, if cock pushups existed, all men would be hung like a bottle of Smart Water. Not to say that is a great size. In fact, some of the worst sex I've had have been with pretty boys with too much meat. They never have to try!! They get pussy thrown at them like rocks at a biblical whore. 

Regardless of size, all men have to deal with trying to give pleasure to women who (on average) tend to fake pleasure, refrain from giving pointers, and basically just lay there and take it. And do we give our sex score cards to the men afterwards? Of course not!! Our honest opinions of your performance go to our girlfriends the next day as well all create degrading nicknames for you based on your most humorous errors and faults. No wonder so many men have problems with impotence! I'd be scared dickless too.

So, ladies, as much as I enjoy hearing how amazing I am in bed, I am getting older and less patient. I am tired of teaching all of your exes the right way to fingerbang, give head, and fuck. Please be honest and have the sex you want; if not for you or him, please do it for me.