Sunday, February 26, 2012

7 More Reasons Why I'm Still Single

Normally I like to entertain you with my stories of humor/horror in the sack and flowery linguistic talents. This entry is going to be nothing but messages from the lovely, intelligent world of online daters (and a few of my reactions). As much as I'd like to try, I can't make this shit up. These people really exist and want to "make ur wildest hottest kinkyest dreams cum true(I wish I had made that one up).

The following messages are not edited. *Copy, paste, laugh*

"I wrote to you because you've the most alluring mischeivious blue eyes on the planet, and itd make me very happy to see them staring up at me every day for the rest of my life. I think you're beautiful and I think its awesome you're into cosplay." **FOR THE RECORD: I am not into cosplay and have no idea where this guy inferred this.**
When I didn't reply to his message within 1 hour and 9 minutes, he sent: 
"Hi did i say something wrong?"
**Well, if the implication of staring into my eyes for the rest of your life before even having a conversation with me didn't scare me off, your immediate need for reassurance and lack of self confidence sent me sprinting in the opposite direction.**

i am joe, i am italian
i do think i like u, your profile is very interessing
your pic are phenomenal, and your word..... much more.
do you want start become friend
and see what happend?
i know our match is not 100%, but maybe we should try, always if u want to

how to say we never know... "

**Unfortunately for you, Italian Joe, I am the one American girl who does not find accents sexy. How to say SCRAM!!...**

"Nothing like a witty, smartass chick at 12:30am after cold grilled cheese and no sleep for days. By the way, if you're not interested, I don't want you sending me a lot of goddamn email messages. What do you think is, Dear Abby?" 
**You are 44 years old. I don't even want to know why you haven't slept in days and can't figure out how to make food warm.**

**The following transcript is between a user and me-- 73% Match Compatibility (of all the questions we've both answered, 73% of them are within our desired answers of potential mates - passing but not good), 17% Enemy (17% of the answers are directly opposite to what we desire. I've never seen anyone even close to this number message me before).** 
"You and I would probably get along."
"I did my reading as well. Here are 3 reasons we would not get along:
1. I have a cat.
2. I love Atlanta. Try leaving Lilburn before you talk shit.
3. I adore food."

"Cats and food are for girls, and Atlanta is a dirty, black shithole. I've been twenty minutes down the street my entire life. I notice big dirty shitholes filled with watertrash when they are right down the road. You are my "type" or whatever. I'm out for the night. I'll probably hit you up again sometime."

"you are very beautifull and i love your pics sweet heart to bad i am 43 or i would love to have a lady with your looks and youth i love to read your profile that is some funny shit you are great you can write me any time even if it is to be an asshole because you are good at putting shit out there tell it like it is thats great sweetie love it not true well i like it"
**One would hope that after 43 years of interacting with the rest of the world, you would have learned the importance of using a period at the end of a written thought.**

"You should move to Colorado. I'd totally move to Georgia but I sweat a lot for no reason in humid climates. Although, TV shows tell me that you all just drink lemonade on front porches in rocking chairs to beat the heat." 
**Oh sure!! We also learn to play banjo in college instead of readin' books and studyin', never wear shoes, watch nothing but Dukes of Hazard (for the men folk) and Designing Women (for the silly women), and like to show our love for our neighbors by lighting up a cross in their front yard.**

**from a woman:
"first off i want to say you are a very gorgeous girl. second off i would like to ask you a question. i had looked at your profile and your picture had taken my breath away. i have never had a girl experience before and would love to have one. so i told my boyfriend about you and he said to ask so here goes. would you want to join me in my venture of having my first threesome. i know its really random but i feel you would be perfect and we would have a great time. just let me know whether it be good or bad ill be waiting"
**My profile is listed as straight. Not bi. Not curious. Straight. This, unfortunately, is not the first time this has happened to me. Honestly, I could be in the middle of an 8 dude circle jerk with "I WORSHIP COCK" written across my forehead and "CUM DUMPSTER" tattooed over my vagina, and without fail some chick would still think I'd sleep with her. Have I entertained these ideas in the past? Sure. But I am without a doubt straight. "I don't believe in bisexuals. I figure the rest of us have to choose, so why shouldn't they?" -Suzanne Sugarbaker, Designing Women**

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Welcome to Hell! Please Upload a Profile Picture.

Yes, I've given in. I'm online dating... again. Luckily for you, this means an endless supply of outrageous stories and desperate losers to entertain you, the reader.

I spent some time with my Jewish grandmother over the holidays, which came down to this quote: "The best Hanukkah gift would be to find you a Jewish husband... or at least a rich Catholic". To get her to shut up about it, I agreed to join JDate. I figured it would be easier and less of an embarrassing commitment than going to the Jewish singles nights she insisted on me attending. Did I mention that I myself am NOT Jewish?

I've attempted online dating in the past and have found it to be a mass chucking of the creepiest, most desperate penis the world has to offer. JDate, on the other hand, has a very low creep factor. Unfortunately for me, I found that my profile views were pretty good but received no messages or "favorites". So, you mean Jewish guys who go on a Jewish specific dating site AREN'T looking for a girl who has Judaism on "the wrong side" and lists her religion as "willing to convert"? Crazy!!!

For shits and giggles, I also decided to reactivate my old OK Cupid account. Unlike JDate, I immediately began receiving desperate messages literally by the hundreds. Here are a few I thought you'd enjoy:

" i like you as potentially you might be from 3rd rock from sun ;) I want to have a good company to hav a freak ass time"
"damn. those are large."
"When I was 13, I farted in my sister's mouth while she was sleeping. She cried for 2 hrs. I still laugh about that.  Also, I fucking hate strawberries." **(I will admit, I thought twice about this guy.)
"What is this? I don't even...."
"hey, will you show me all your tattoos? ;)" **(Here's a tip: people with tattoos HATE this pick up line.)
"Hi I don't like to play games, I like your profile , I was hoping we can be friends off course if you don't mind an english accent :( Would u let me spoil you ? Hope all is well with you . Cheers! "
"would you consider yourself to be somewhat narcissistic?"
"Im 23. Just got out of prison. You seem interesting and I’d like to take you out sometime this week. And yes. I do have a car."
"Hey you sound normal to me. Thought you might like a joke a heard recently... China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you."
"There is an abandoned building at N. Druid Hills by 85 with a light on in one room on the 13th floor. WTF? The building does not seem to have power at all, so it's a bit of a mystery. The light has been there (on the side facing the interstate) for at least a week. I'm tempted to go exploring, but I could use a partner. " **(Found out that a friend of a friend got the same message from the same guy a week before. For realsies.)

The following 3 messages are from the same person on the same day. Please note the times they were sent.
"Hey, how are you? My name is ****." 10:10pm
"P.S. - do you really smell funny?" 10:11pm 
"And you seem pretty bitchy. Interesting. My therapy has progressed well and now I have no reason to contact you anymore." 10:13pm

These messages are a great example of how online dating can be beneficial in weeding out the idiots/douchebags/serial killers. I won't lie to you, Mr. Abandoned Building is pretty good looking. If he came up to me in a bar and started up a conversation that wasn't about abandoned buildings or skin suits, I'd probably give him my phone number. Thanks to the internet, I know this guy will probably be the next Ted Bundy. (Don't worry- I blocked him from my profile and reported him to the site moderators.)

Sometimes even messaging can't weed out the things that matter most. For instance, Small Child (the kid who refused to reciprocate from my first entry "Let's Start Out With a Bang") was a match on OK Cupid. We had very high compatibility, messaged for awhile, and (as stated in the blog) had a great time on the date. Unfortunately, all the compatibility tests in the world don't include a "how do you feel about cunnilingus?" section. 

Usually when people message back and forth online, you ask the stupid questions you'd normally ask on a first date. "What do you like to do for fun?", "Do you like to travel?", "What do you do for a living?", etc. I prefer to ask things like "How do you feel about cartoons?", "Do you enjoy camping/hiking?" (TRICK question!! I HATE them. Team Indoor Plumbing!), and "Prince or MJ?". These lead to more interesting conversations and allow me to judge the guys for who they really are. I mean, I don't care if you're curing cancer in baby otters. If you hate Ren & Stimpy, think PF Changs is the best asian food in Atlanta, and have never heard of George Clinton, you are wasting my time. This also leaves the boring stuff for the face-to-face interaction when people get nervous and can't think of what to say. Brilliant, right? 

Not always. 

I met up with a guy I'd messaged with quite a lot; high compatibility, good looking, funny. We met at a pub for dinner, and although I wasn't drinking at the time, I thought nothing of it. We meet, shake hands, introduce ourselves, and then he says "Oh, you don't drink, right?"
"Oh, um, not right now, no. But it's not a big deal. I like pub food and it doesn't bother me to be in a bar."
" you an alcoholic?"

Yeah. 30 seconds after the handshake he asks me if I am addicted to alcohol. For the record, I'm not. I occasionally go through sober periods in my life. I've also gone through vegetarian, vegan, and even celibate periods. No biggie.

Anyway, he proceeded to ask everything you should never ask on a first date: Political beliefs, religious beliefs, how many relationships I've had and how they ended, who else I was currently dating and if I planned on continuing to see them, how many people I've slept with, and (brace yourself) if I'd ever had an abortion. I was just as shocked as you are. 

The other problem with online dating is it's open to the public. You WILL be recognized by people you knew in high school, college, work, and even your dating past. 

Many years ago during one of my vegan, celibate, and sober periods, I went out for a friend's birthday. He wanted to have sushi, so I said "A little fish won't hurt. Seafood is barely meat." Then he wanted to split a bottle of champagne "just like old times." So after my 3rd glass of champagne, I said "Fuck it. I had meat and alcohol tonight. I'm getting laid." And like a gift from the Universe, a gorgeous man walks in the bar and right up to my friend. 

Turns out the guy is a total chode. Completely self centered, extremely dumb, and no sense of humor (though he thinks he's hilarious). I walked instead of drove that night and decided to use him for his car and drove us to my place (he, of course, had been pounding shots all night and was too drunk to drive). I get to my place and he insists on walking me to my door. Just as I turn around to throw his keys at him and tell him to get fucked, he grabs me, pushes me into my apartment, throws me up against the wall, and begins making out with me. Passion!! YES!!! I KNEW I put up with all his bullshit all night for something! He tears the clothes off my body and goes to town right there. I get excited and return the favor, throwing him against the wall, ripping his belt off, and going right in for it...


Now, I'm not a size-ist (See my "Penis Envy" entry for proof). But... 

His dick was so short that I busted my lip on his pubic bone. 

Fast forward 8 years later:
"You have a message from [chode with the 3 inch erection]:
'Cupid made us "quiver matches" so I thought I'd shout. And you should message me back. I'll tell you about what I'm reading and what's changed since the last time we spoke.' "

Honey, if it's not your cock size, I'm not interested.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Giving Thanks (yes, I have feelings too)

While recently bitching to an acquaintance about a guy I'm reluctantly dating, she casually replied "Yeah, I get not wanting to be alone during the holidays." This statement brought not only my train of complaints but pretty much my entire life to a screeching halt. "Alone during the holidays"? This is not a phrase I've ever even considered.

And why should I??? I am one of the extremely lucky people on the planet to be far from alone. I have a very full and supportive family. Right, right - we all do. But seriously, my family (father, mother, brother) come to all of my shows, watch all of my videos, and even follow my blog. Mama Lickett's reaction to "Let's Start Off With A Bang":

"Just read your Small Child dating blog- Brilliant! I am so proud of my baby girl's command of logic!"

And when I replied that I was slightly embarrassed for her, she immediately retorted, "Oh puLEASE, do you think Mae West was ever embarrassed? No, just bare-assed." Seriously. I have the texts to prove it. So, yes, your parents and siblings probably love you, but mine call my stories of rape "command of logic".

I also have friends. Close ones. And both kinds. Oh, you know the two kinds of close friends. The first group is the obvious clan of friends to whom you call when you can't think of the name of the song that's stuck in your head or text as you're doing the walk of shame with "where is the closest MARTA station from... oh, God. Where the fuck am I??" or go out with and get stupid drunk without ever feeling like you're being judged/secretly plotted against/unknowingly paying for all their drinks/swiftly left behind at the end of the night. The other group of close friends are the ones that you don't have frequent interactions with but you know, without a doubt or single thought, that you could call in the middle of the night and ask to come hold your hand while you took a pregnancy test and they'd be there within the hour with a bottle of cheap wine to celebrate either result. I have lots of both of these types friends in my life.

And do we really have to mention best friends? I have 2 words for you: Cayenne Cuntessa. You only wish you knew the ins-and-outs of that relationship.

"These people are great but won't necessarily spoon with you during your holiday depression", you say. First of all, what makes you think that my friends and family won't do that? My brother and I have a very intimate and strange relationship, and I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your nose out of our affairs. Secondly, "holiday depression"? Ew. This sounds like a personal problem exclusive to you and other lonely people. The holidays are about eating not crying. And if you are a person that combines the two, you are ruining the beauty of both acts and need to stay far away from me. Lastly, if -and I mean IF- I find myself in need of heterosexual male attention, I am lucky enough to have a selection of willing, responsible, available men who are more than happy to come rushing to my naked side. Let's also not forget my small yet lovely collection of exes who remain my friends in case I need to remember what true love feels like.

All this being said, I have never felt "alone during the holidays". I'm not sure what kind of person feels that they need a certain, specific kind of loving force in their life to not feel isolated and desolate, but I challenge that person to look for other forms of love in their life. True, not all people in your life will fill all of your many desired facets and voids, but that just means you will need to surround yourself with more loved ones than just "a boyfriend" or whatever. And, really, everyone could use a little more of everyone else in their lives. I mean, why limit all of your love to just one person? I'd wager there are lots of people in your life that would genuinely light up to even know you thought of them.

And that leads me to my thanks.
Thank you to all of my friends -close and acquaintances- for enjoying me for who I am and sharing who you are with me every chance we get. It's never enough, I know, but better to be left wanting more than wishing it'd just go away.
Thank you to all of my exes who have found it in their hearts to keep me around in whatever way they feel appropriate. I realize your current, past, and future lovers/girlfriends/wives don't always appreciate me, and I'd like to thank you for enduring the arguments, jealousy, and ultimatums that may come in response. Even more appreciation goes to the lovers/girlfriends/wives who have accepted me as their own friend. You're the good ones. Wish there were more like you out there.
Thank you to all of my bedroom affiliates (fancy word for "fuck buddies"). Like my family and friends, I know I can count on you to be there when I need you. Your willingness to give and be eternally discrete is never fully rewarded but I will continue to try to reward you in any way I can.... well, really in just one way.
And, finally and fully, thank you to my family. I don't know how I lucked out. I'd like to think I was an amazing humanitarian in a past life but it was probably just a lucky hand to have been blessed -and I mean truly blessed- with people like you to raise and support me; to mold me into the person I am. I may not be a concert violinist, cancer researcher, nurse in a third world country, or even possible First Lady/Princess/Miss America, but I do love being me, and that's all thanks to you.

Now, I'm sorry. Who were you calling alone during the holidays?

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Have You Had My Cookies?

Fuck buddies are the best. You get all the best parts of a relationship (frequent sex) without the drama ("why don't you like my friends?" "why didn't you pick up when I called?" "we don't spend enough time together") and still get to keep your freedom (to date other people). In order to keep things drama-free, I have 3 rules that all fuck buddies must follow to guarantee a successful "buddy system":

1. Don't ask, don't tell: our personal lives remain to ourselves. No asking about who else you're dating/fucking/pursuing and no sharing of your own life.
2. Wrap it up: condoms are to be used EVERY time and are also required when fucking anyone else. For instance, if you bring a disease into my life because some drunk sorority girl let you fuck her anally without a condom 2 weeks ago, you are bringing drama into my life (which goes against the whole point of the buddy system).
3. Calling it quits: we both reserve the right to leave the buddy system at any point without explanation. No breakup talks, "what can I do to make it better?", "is it someone else?", etc. Ignoring texts or phone calls is not allowed but a simple "I think I need to move on" or "I need a break for awhile" is totally acceptable and is THE END of the discussion.

I've found that the best fuck buddies are ones that you wouldn't want to pursue emotionally. Sure you may have some things in common, but in general, it's a purely sexual attraction between the 2 of you. "Friends with benefits" is a disaster waiting to happen. If you are truly friends and have plenty in common, enjoy each other's company, and trust each other, adding sex means you've got the recipe for a great relationship. I mean, the only difference between your best friend and your significant other is that you fuck your significant other. And I, unfortunately, had to learn this the hard way...

I had a friend that I hung out with pretty often (about once a week for awhile). We'd known each other for years, been supportive of each other, but always just friends. And then one day he pounced. To this day I'm not sure what switch went on (or off) in his mind, but all of a sudden I found myself naked in his bed within a matter of minutes. We had great sex and kept having great sex for a few weeks. Normally, I can have sex without developing emotions. The problem was he was my friend before, so I already thought the world of him. Add great sex (and the 2nd best head I've ever had in my life) and you've got a guy I want to date. When I asked if we were going to date, he responded with "I can't date you. I know myself, and the whole burlesque thing would drive me crazy." This, of course, broke my little stage-whore heart.

Fast forward to a party being held in his honor. I show up, still being his good friend, and bring my specialty: bacon & chocolate chip cookies. These are special cookies I make for special people. The man of the hour was missing for a good while at first, and I didn't bring anyone with me so it was a lot of sitting around and drinking. I noticed some girl kept sort of staring at me but, let's face it, I'm sort of used to that. Later in the night, I finally get to say hi to my friend and give him my little treats.

"Are these what I think they are?" he asks.
"Yep. Bacon chocolate chip cookies," I smile.
"Thanks. These are going to be great for us on the road tomorrow. Oh, have you met [girl who had been staring at me all night]?"
~and then it starts to hit me~
"Yeah, we went to Trader Joe's earlier to load up on road snacks-"
~we??? oh my god...~
"-and these are going to be awesome while we're driving."
~holy shit, is this his girlfriend????~

I realized that my face was probably in between shock, horror, and embarrassment, so I said "Cool. Enjoy!" and walked away. No wonder this chick was checking me out all night!! Thanks to Facebook, I'm sure she's stalked me a few times and wondered just how "close" her new boyfriend was to me.

The rest of the night was spent with him ignoring me and treating me like I was just an acquaintance while I attempted to drink myself to a I-don't-give-a-shit level. While standing at the bar talking with a friend, I notice that his "road buddy" was standing 2 feet away, alone, and trying to observe me with quick glances. Oh, fuck no. Do NOT look for a break in conversation. Do NOT come over here. I am in no position to play fake with you.

...and then my friend stepped out of the conversation. "Road buddy" turns to me, smiles, and says, "Those cookies were really good!"
"Oh, thanks."
"Yeah, we were at Trader Joe's earlier and I asked him if he'd had any bacon and chocolate stuff yet and he said 'oh, yeah! I know this girl who makes these cookies'. So I guess he'd had your cookies before?"

Now, I am very aware that I am unable to hide what I'm thinking. My face gives away everything at all times. So I tried my hardest to stay composed...

But my sassy eyebrow could not resist lifting when I replied "Oh, yes. He's had my cookies."

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I Blame "Purple Rain"

I recently had a personal epiphany: I am attracted to assholes.

I realize some of you knew this about me already. Some have even expressed this fact to me in the past -not always in the kindest of words- but I finally saw it on my own (which means I actually take stock in it now). I just do not fall for nice guys. Does that mean that I am into "bad boys"? No, no. In fact, I've noticed the contrary to be more true for me: success-driven, egocentric, dickhead leaders of the world. Ari Gold from "Entourage" is like a walking wet dream for me.

So I began to wonder how such a strong, confident, independent woman like myself could constantly be pulled towards the Vince Vaughns of the world. It has been said that a woman is subconsciously attracted to men like her father. The truth is this equation only works if the woman is like her mother. I, myself, am my father's daughter. Therefore, it would make sense to be attracted to men that are like my mother: patient, goofy, warm-hearted, slightly innocent, honest, loyal. In reality, I keep finding myself attracted to men who make me feel like a plaything who is there purely for physical pleasures and entertainment purposes.

And then it hit me: Purple Rain.

My parents had one rule for what we were allowed to watch growing up: we all have to agree to watch it. That means while most of you were watching "The Smurfs", I was watching MTV, "The Tracey Ullman Show", and weird foreign cartoons, such as "Allegro Non Troppo". They simply did not want to waste their free time watching terrible cartoons like The Smurfs and Scooby Doo.
(Yes, those were terrible cartoons. Stop arguing with me - shitty cartoons are not the basis of this blog entry.)

For those of you who have never seen "Purple Rain", it's one of those "let's-see-how-many-hit-songs-we-can-shove-into-a-shitty-plot-line-and-make-a-buck" music movies that were so popular 20-30 years ago (see also "Rhythm Nation" and "Moonwalker" for further examples, both of which I was also raised on). Basically, girl moves to town to become a singer, meets Prince and Morris Day (lead singer of The Time), has to chose between the 2 guys, chooses Prince. During the film, you hear such hits as "When Doves Cry", "I Would Die For You", "Darling Nikki", "The Bird", and (of course) "Purple Rain", just to name a few. To an outsider, it's a movie about making your dreams come true and never giving up while backed by a great soundtrack. Perfect for my mom to put on to distract me while she cleaned and danced to the music. BUT BEWARE.....

I realize now that this movie was actually teaching me to go for the assholes in the world of love. Apollonia comes to town with the hopes of being a star. She meets Prince and Morris Day, both popular musicians at her club of choice. Right off the bat, Morris Day buys her a bottle of the finest champagne and offers her the lead in an all-girl singing group. He's hilarious, charming, dresses WAY better than Prince, and has an entrepreneur's drive. Sure, he may have a few other ladies in his life but he's a catch!! Who wouldn't throw their pussy his way???

Prince, on the other hand, lives with his parents. Yes, ladies, I heard that unanimous groan from here. His father abuses him AND his mother daily, which as we all know will just manifest into Prince's life as well. Prince is constantly missing scheduled gigs, is unwilling to collaborate with the other band members, storms off into hissy fits on a regular basis, records women crying for the purposes of entertainment, and sleeps surrounded by lit candles (um, FIRE HAZARD!!). When he gets his chance with Apollonia, he makes her get naked and "purify" herself in a disgusting lake - and then drives off to leave her there wet, filthy, and humiliated!! When Apollonia buys him a guitar, he gives her his old, crusty earring in return. Last time I checked, Prince, you were the one with the nightly gigs and she was BEGGING you for a chance just to get on the stage. The least you could do is buy the bitch her own earrings. And when Morris Day gives her an opportunity to sing and chase her dreams, how does Prince react? He backhands her.

Does she take the slap to the face as a slap into reality? Does she see that Prince is an abusive, jealous, egocentric dickface who just wants to make her his personal whore? Does she run to Morris Day, apologize for being so blind, and thank him for making all her lifelong dreams come true? Of course not! She instead watches Prince attempt to run over Morris and does nothing. Then chooses to go along with Prince (maybe to talk things out?) where he screams at her and, you guessed it, beats her again.

Fast forward to the end of the movie- she's happy with Prince. Um.... really?? No explanation there? Is "Purple Rain" really such a brilliant song that it makes you forgive a few ass beatings? And, let's not forget, Prince didn't even write it!! According to the plot line of the movie, Wendy and Lisa (of The Revolution) wrote "Purple Rain" and spent weeks trying to convince Prince to even listen to it.

I realize now that this movie was making me fall for the asshole. It was teaching me that men that treat me like shit are the ones worth fighting for. The men that hold me up on a pedestal are silly and should only be used to get ahead. The guys that write songs about having a good time are the losers. The ones that write songs about what a whore you are to them are the real winners!! Fuck you, Prince! "Darling Nikki" is not what I want to inspire in anyone!!

So, to the Morris Days of the world, I will do what Apollonia should have. I can see clearly now. The Purple Rain is gone. Can you ever forgive me?

Friday, August 26, 2011

Penis Envy

When I find myself single and dateless, I seem to have a fascination with the book "Sextrology" by Starksy & Cox. This is not only to remind myself of how awesome I am (it is wonderful for ego boosts) but also to read about all the fun sex the rest of the world is into to keep me from becoming jaded and hopeless. Gemini men enjoy giving head? Well, head this way! Aries like rough-housing? Bring it on! Sagittarius likes hunting/capture games? Come and get it!!! Scorpio likes water sports? let me have a few shots and we'll talk.

This book goes into EXTREME detail not only within the individual signs, but also for both genders and straight/gay traits and desires. No career, homelife, or financial astrological projections here. It only describes the things we really are looking for when we look to astrology: sex and love. If you aren't looking to read a lot, there are short little side panels with the juiciest of the meat, such as the turn-ons (both gay and straight). For the most part, these tend to be dead on with a few exceptions for everyone I read them to. I find that most straight men tend to disagree with the lists, most likely due to never being sexually open and honest with themselves let alone a partner. Look, Taurus, I don't think you're gay because you like to wear panties. And, Pisces, loving prostitutes and feet really isn't that taboo anymore. Hell, it says I am into face-sitting (see my story "Let's Start Off With A Bang!" for an example) and have extreme penis envy, which got me thinking...

Sure, I have penis envy. Not only do I find male genitalia fascinating but, yes, I tend to be aggressive like a man in the bedroom. I know what I want and I thoroughly enjoy bringing pleasure to my partner. In all areas of my life I am a leader and a doer. So why wouldn't I wish to be in the lead in the bedroom? I want to be the fucker, not the fucked. 

This got me to thinking about what it must be like to be a straight man. I have often been told that I am "very giving", "passionate", "sexually open", and "fun to fuck" when I feel like we're having pretty normal sex. What are other women doing, or rather NOT doing???? Are they too consumed in their own insecurities and vanity to stop thinking about what they look like and just do what feels good? Is it the classic virgin/whore complex ("if I suck his balls and tickle his asshole, he'll wonder who else I've done it to")? 

On top of most women not being "fun to fuck", men have to deal with the fakers. Ladies, when you fake - orgasm or just general pleasure - you are doing all of us a great disservice. You are teaching your partner bad habits that he will most likely try to use on the rest of us. Most importantly, you are cementing yourself into a bad time!! If you are making "oooh ahh" sounds, he will keep doing whatever he's doing!! Stop it!!!

Now I know men judge women on their bodies, even down to nipple size/color, labia attractiveness, and ass shape (none of which can really be helped). But none of these components hinder actual physical pleasure. Women, however, judge the penis. And harshly. And, again, this can't really be helped. He's got what he's got. He didn't pick it, and there aren't exercises out there to improve it. I promise, if cock pushups existed, all men would be hung like a bottle of Smart Water. Not to say that is a great size. In fact, some of the worst sex I've had have been with pretty boys with too much meat. They never have to try!! They get pussy thrown at them like rocks at a biblical whore. 

Regardless of size, all men have to deal with trying to give pleasure to women who (on average) tend to fake pleasure, refrain from giving pointers, and basically just lay there and take it. And do we give our sex score cards to the men afterwards? Of course not!! Our honest opinions of your performance go to our girlfriends the next day as well all create degrading nicknames for you based on your most humorous errors and faults. No wonder so many men have problems with impotence! I'd be scared dickless too.

So, ladies, as much as I enjoy hearing how amazing I am in bed, I am getting older and less patient. I am tired of teaching all of your exes the right way to fingerbang, give head, and fuck. Please be honest and have the sex you want; if not for you or him, please do it for me. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I Touch Myself

I don't believe it will come as a surprise to hear that I masturbate. In fact, most people do these days. If you introduced me to someone who refuses to masturbate, I would most likely shake their unfortunately innocent hand and reply "call me when you aren't so selfish". To bring yourself to orgasm is not only doing something nice for yourself, but you are also doing the rest of us a favor. If everyone took 5 minutes out of their day to make themselves truly happy and release tensions, the world would be a better place. Not saying perfect, mind you, but definitely easier to tolerate. If we all committed to rubbing one out before our morning commutes (or during your morning commute as I've been known to do), I would wager that road rage would be minimized and office environments more tolerable without having to consume 2.5 cups of caffeine before lunch. Not to mention that knowing how to make yourself climax will make the job easier for the rest of us if we get you into bed.

I've been asked numerous times about my masturbation habits. The first question usually being "Why do you masturbate so much? You're a girl. You can have sex whenever you want." Yes and no, people. Yes, a woman can always find a willing penis. However, do we want to have sex with most men? No. And even when we do find someone we'd consider sleeping with, it doesn't mean it will be worth a damn. Sex is not fun unless your partner is on the same playing field as you. So although women CAN get laid "whenever they want", if it's not going to satisfy your hunger then it's doing more harm than good. Nothing ruffles a girl's feathers like bad cock. So instead of seeking out constant disappointments, I take advice I've heard my entire life: if you want something done right, do it yourself.

The next topic of interest is usually how I get the job done. I'm sure you're all assuming I use a dildo as hard and large as a brick or some sort of remote controlled clit-hugger. Perhaps a giant vibrating dildo/clit stimulator combo that is purple, covered in glitter, and lights up whenever I climax. As fun as all those helpers look, I prefer to stay manual. I wasn't always this way, of course. I had a very loving relationship with a massaging shower head once. Sadly, I quickly discovered that I had become dependent on that specific kind of stimulation to orgasm and couldn't get off with normal human touch anymore. So a weaned myself off and learned to touch myself again, assuming that if I can do it so could anyone else (with guidance and the occasional helping hand).

Finally we get down to the most embarrassing of masturbation topics: "what do know.... use?", meaning "What do you fantasize about? Do you watch porn? What sort of twisted shit are you into that you don't tell anyone?". First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to state that I appreciate how warm and accepting I seem to most people. I really do take pride in knowing that people trust me with their secrets and to listen without judgement. That does not necessarily mean that it goes both ways. I am more than happy to be your confessional booth but don't ask the priest what he's been up to lately. I will openly admit this: yes, I fantasize frequently. No, you do not get to know the details. Yes, I watch pornography. No, I do not make my own. 

Now, I treat porn like I treat masturbation in that I want to make sure to not get hooked on something I can't always get from your average physical encounter. That being said, I try to watch completely different pornography every time. True, I am a fan of Nick Mannning when I want a good laugh, but I don't want to be that girl who needs to hear "dropping loads" to get off. And let's face it, fellas; you're no Nick Manning. So I try to watch from every category and appreciate everything from the 8 person grandma gangbangs to simple softcore dry humping.

While searching through hundreds of random videos, you will occasionally come across (pun totally intended) one that makes you stop flicking the bean and just.... watch. This is normally due to being in shock, a little disgusted, or purely entertained. The following video is one that I had to just sit back and laugh at.