Have You Had My Cookies?

Fuck buddies are the best. You get all the best parts of a relationship (frequent sex) without the drama ("why don't you like my friends?" "why didn't you pick up when I called?" "we don't spend enough time together") and still get to keep your freedom (to date other people). In order to keep things drama-free, I have 3 rules that all fuck buddies must follow to guarantee a successful "buddy system":

1. Don't ask, don't tell: our personal lives remain to ourselves. No asking about who else you're dating/fucking/pursuing and no sharing of your own life.
2. Wrap it up: condoms are to be used EVERY time and are also required when fucking anyone else. For instance, if you bring a disease into my life because some drunk sorority girl let you fuck her anally without a condom 2 weeks ago, you are bringing drama into my life (which goes against the whole point of the buddy system).
3. Calling it quits: we both reserve the right to leave the buddy system at any point without explanation. No breakup talks, "what can I do to make it better?", "is it someone else?", etc. Ignoring texts or phone calls is not allowed but a simple "I think I need to move on" or "I need a break for awhile" is totally acceptable and is THE END of the discussion.

I've found that the best fuck buddies are ones that you wouldn't want to pursue emotionally. Sure you may have some things in common, but in general, it's a purely sexual attraction between the 2 of you. "Friends with benefits" is a disaster waiting to happen. If you are truly friends and have plenty in common, enjoy each other's company, and trust each other, adding sex means you've got the recipe for a great relationship. I mean, the only difference between your best friend and your significant other is that you fuck your significant other. And I, unfortunately, had to learn this the hard way...

I had a friend that I hung out with pretty often (about once a week for awhile). We'd known each other for years, been supportive of each other, but always just friends. And then one day he pounced. To this day I'm not sure what switch went on (or off) in his mind, but all of a sudden I found myself naked in his bed within a matter of minutes. We had great sex and kept having great sex for a few weeks. Normally, I can have sex without developing emotions. The problem was he was my friend before, so I already thought the world of him. Add great sex (and the 2nd best head I've ever had in my life) and you've got a guy I want to date. When I asked if we were going to date, he responded with "I can't date you. I know myself, and the whole burlesque thing would drive me crazy." This, of course, broke my little stage-whore heart.

Fast forward to a party being held in his honor. I show up, still being his good friend, and bring my specialty: bacon & chocolate chip cookies. These are special cookies I make for special people. The man of the hour was missing for a good while at first, and I didn't bring anyone with me so it was a lot of sitting around and drinking. I noticed some girl kept sort of staring at me but, let's face it, I'm sort of used to that. Later in the night, I finally get to say hi to my friend and give him my little treats.

"Are these what I think they are?" he asks.
"Yep. Bacon chocolate chip cookies," I smile.
"Thanks. These are going to be great for us on the road tomorrow. Oh, have you met [girl who had been staring at me all night]?"
"Um...no..."
~and then it starts to hit me~
"Yeah, we went to Trader Joe's earlier to load up on road snacks-"
~we??? oh my god...~
"-and these are going to be awesome while we're driving."
~holy shit, is this his girlfriend????~

I realized that my face was probably in between shock, horror, and embarrassment, so I said "Cool. Enjoy!" and walked away. No wonder this chick was checking me out all night!! Thanks to Facebook, I'm sure she's stalked me a few times and wondered just how "close" her new boyfriend was to me.

The rest of the night was spent with him ignoring me and treating me like I was just an acquaintance while I attempted to drink myself to a I-don't-give-a-shit level. While standing at the bar talking with a friend, I notice that his "road buddy" was standing 2 feet away, alone, and trying to observe me with quick glances. Oh, fuck no. Do NOT look for a break in conversation. Do NOT come over here. I am in no position to play fake with you.

...and then my friend stepped out of the conversation. "Road buddy" turns to me, smiles, and says, "Those cookies were really good!"
"Oh, thanks."
"Yeah, we were at Trader Joe's earlier and I asked him if he'd had any bacon and chocolate stuff yet and he said 'oh, yeah! I know this girl who makes these cookies'. So I guess he'd had your cookies before?"

Now, I am very aware that I am unable to hide what I'm thinking. My face gives away everything at all times. So I tried my hardest to stay composed...

But my sassy eyebrow could not resist lifting when I replied "Oh, yes. He's had my cookies."