Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I Blame "Purple Rain"

I recently had a personal epiphany: I am attracted to assholes.

I realize some of you knew this about me already. Some have even expressed this fact to me in the past -not always in the kindest of words- but I finally saw it on my own (which means I actually take stock in it now). I just do not fall for nice guys. Does that mean that I am into "bad boys"? No, no. In fact, I've noticed the contrary to be more true for me: success-driven, egocentric, dickhead leaders of the world. Ari Gold from "Entourage" is like a walking wet dream for me.

So I began to wonder how such a strong, confident, independent woman like myself could constantly be pulled towards the Vince Vaughns of the world. It has been said that a woman is subconsciously attracted to men like her father. The truth is this equation only works if the woman is like her mother. I, myself, am my father's daughter. Therefore, it would make sense to be attracted to men that are like my mother: patient, goofy, warm-hearted, slightly innocent, honest, loyal. In reality, I keep finding myself attracted to men who make me feel like a plaything who is there purely for physical pleasures and entertainment purposes.

And then it hit me: Purple Rain.

My parents had one rule for what we were allowed to watch growing up: we all have to agree to watch it. That means while most of you were watching "The Smurfs", I was watching MTV, "The Tracey Ullman Show", and weird foreign cartoons, such as "Allegro Non Troppo". They simply did not want to waste their free time watching terrible cartoons like The Smurfs and Scooby Doo.
(Yes, those were terrible cartoons. Stop arguing with me - shitty cartoons are not the basis of this blog entry.)

For those of you who have never seen "Purple Rain", it's one of those "let's-see-how-many-hit-songs-we-can-shove-into-a-shitty-plot-line-and-make-a-buck" music movies that were so popular 20-30 years ago (see also "Rhythm Nation" and "Moonwalker" for further examples, both of which I was also raised on). Basically, girl moves to town to become a singer, meets Prince and Morris Day (lead singer of The Time), has to chose between the 2 guys, chooses Prince. During the film, you hear such hits as "When Doves Cry", "I Would Die For You", "Darling Nikki", "The Bird", and (of course) "Purple Rain", just to name a few. To an outsider, it's a movie about making your dreams come true and never giving up while backed by a great soundtrack. Perfect for my mom to put on to distract me while she cleaned and danced to the music. BUT BEWARE.....

I realize now that this movie was actually teaching me to go for the assholes in the world of love. Apollonia comes to town with the hopes of being a star. She meets Prince and Morris Day, both popular musicians at her club of choice. Right off the bat, Morris Day buys her a bottle of the finest champagne and offers her the lead in an all-girl singing group. He's hilarious, charming, dresses WAY better than Prince, and has an entrepreneur's drive. Sure, he may have a few other ladies in his life but he's a catch!! Who wouldn't throw their pussy his way???

Prince, on the other hand, lives with his parents. Yes, ladies, I heard that unanimous groan from here. His father abuses him AND his mother daily, which as we all know will just manifest into Prince's life as well. Prince is constantly missing scheduled gigs, is unwilling to collaborate with the other band members, storms off into hissy fits on a regular basis, records women crying for the purposes of entertainment, and sleeps surrounded by lit candles (um, FIRE HAZARD!!). When he gets his chance with Apollonia, he makes her get naked and "purify" herself in a disgusting lake - and then drives off to leave her there wet, filthy, and humiliated!! When Apollonia buys him a guitar, he gives her his old, crusty earring in return. Last time I checked, Prince, you were the one with the nightly gigs and she was BEGGING you for a chance just to get on the stage. The least you could do is buy the bitch her own earrings. And when Morris Day gives her an opportunity to sing and chase her dreams, how does Prince react? He backhands her.

Does she take the slap to the face as a slap into reality? Does she see that Prince is an abusive, jealous, egocentric dickface who just wants to make her his personal whore? Does she run to Morris Day, apologize for being so blind, and thank him for making all her lifelong dreams come true? Of course not! She instead watches Prince attempt to run over Morris and does nothing. Then chooses to go along with Prince (maybe to talk things out?) where he screams at her and, you guessed it, beats her again.

Fast forward to the end of the movie- she's happy with Prince. Um.... really?? No explanation there? Is "Purple Rain" really such a brilliant song that it makes you forgive a few ass beatings? And, let's not forget, Prince didn't even write it!! According to the plot line of the movie, Wendy and Lisa (of The Revolution) wrote "Purple Rain" and spent weeks trying to convince Prince to even listen to it.

I realize now that this movie was making me fall for the asshole. It was teaching me that men that treat me like shit are the ones worth fighting for. The men that hold me up on a pedestal are silly and should only be used to get ahead. The guys that write songs about having a good time are the losers. The ones that write songs about what a whore you are to them are the real winners!! Fuck you, Prince! "Darling Nikki" is not what I want to inspire in anyone!!

So, to the Morris Days of the world, I will do what Apollonia should have. I can see clearly now. The Purple Rain is gone. Can you ever forgive me?

3 comments:

  1. Wooooo!!! Woooooo!! [cheering, applause] Now the trick is recognizing the Morris Day's of the world, and giving them a hug instead of telling them their lame. [more cheering and applause also a high-five]

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  2. awesomeness and true about so many of us... what is it about the bad boys??

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  3. Though I bow to no one in my admiration of the music of His Royal Badness, I've always thought "Purple Rain" would've been a much more interesting movie had it followed the path of Morris Day & The Time.

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